Hard shell cracking

I'm having trouble gaining traction on this particular post. I don't know if it's this shitstorm of a week or this morning in particular, but every step feels like a battle. Every keystroke a mental tug-o-war with my Desire to Break Through This Funk on one side and Some Unknown Issue on the other. Who will win? I guess we'll see if once I get this entry posted.

When I was a kid, I used to take two M&Ms and pinch them together with the goal of guessing which one would crack first. The process was usually a long one, as I was cautious in how quickly I applied pressure, not wanting to go too hard too fast and run the risk of sending them flying... but, every once in a while, I would inevitably choose one or two candies that had weaker shells more susceptible to frissure and cracking under my deliberate pressure.

I think I'm cracking.

Instead of my pudgy, sticky fingers applying pressure, its a series of life events, circumstances, obligations, responsibilities, relationships and conditions... most of which are of my own doing.

In true Krystal fashion, I have piled more on my plate than any sane person would think to - or, so I've been told.

Personally? If I don't have multiple plates spinning, brightly colored balls flying or blinking deadline reminders parading across my screen I start to sink into a depression so intense that the only thing I can manage to accomplish is polishing off a package of Double Stuff'd Oreos in front of 'The Notebook' and then brutally poking my fat rolls while wailing and weeping and gnashing my teeth. It's not a good look for me.

Unfortunately, something seems to be different this time. Maybe I have more on my plate than I have ever had before? Maybe my advancing age is rendering my brain incapable of fragmented thought? Maybe I have taken on too many important tasks at one time and not scheduled enough time for ME?

... and that's it. THAT'S the ticket.
... but when do I have the time?

 

Because I work better with lists...

1. Wife - full time with evenings, weekends, etc.
2. Mother - full time x2 with evenings, weekends, etc.
3. Worker - full time with evenings and increased responsibility
4. Student - half-time with evenings and weekends for the next 5 years
5. Author - _____-time with as much time as I can allot
6. Family Member - full time with evenings, weekends, etc.
7. Girlfriend - full time with evenings, weekends, etc.

I think this explains the amount, don't you?
I think this also explains the reason why I am struggling to find time away... time to just be by myself.
I think this explains why I'm cracking.

The tug-o-war continues, but at least I've been able to think about why... and maybe, just maybe, can start formulating what a good bonding agent would look like before these cracks get any deeper.

Perks of Working Downtown - The Series

If you have met me, you will have undoubtedly been presented with my love of all things Seattle. I have, on occasion, made such proclamations as "I'd marry it if I could", "Is it possible to make love to a city?", and "Mmm, Seattle". It's safe to say that I, Krystal Bishop, am a Seattlephile.

On my way back from lunch a scant four minutes ago, my nutrient-starved brain started making a list of all the things I love about working downtown. Oh, sure... there are pages and lists galore online touting the many amazing reasons why one should visit downtown Seattle (most not moving past Pike Place Market, the Space Needle/Seattle Center/EMP, and the Ducks)... but where's the love for Seattle's faithful proletariat?

It's here.

Perks of Working Downtown - #1:
This one may/should be obvious, but the close proximity to and and everything is kind of key here. Whether it's food you need or errands that won't wait, the convenience factor is HIGH.

Maybe it's the nice li'l flood of endorphins talking (hello... desk job!), but I am one happy girl.

I mean, come on, we have our own VILLAIN.

Want Some Fat With That Whine?

Have you ever had a dinner guest that stayed longer than you intended them to?
The meal is over, dessert and coffee have been consumed and pleasantries by the door were over 15 minutes ago, but instead they have taken up residency on your couch, loosened their belt and asked you where you keep the spare toothbrushes.

That's how I'm feeling about certain bad habits that I've been trying to shake. I've gone through the formalities (Identify the Problem, Make a List, Visualize), but there they are, camped out on the love seat of my psyche. Still. I mean, it's been years people. YEARS.

The primary habit that I want/need to address is likely the root of all (my) evil: Procrastination

I could do/have done literally nothing of any import for hours when I've had a deadline screaming towards me, only because I'm scared that it (the project) is going to be a lot of work that I might end up failing at. Yet again, I let the opinions of others color my better judgement. Yet again, I make excuses for why I shouldn't get started on a task. Yet again, I disappoint the only person that matters: myself.

So, I've Identified the Problem. Super. I don't really feel like making a list because, let's face it; a true procrastinator knows how to dodge even the most well-crafted lists... and I am a Master List Maker. It's like my brain equates making a list about the shit that needs to get done with actually getting said shit done.
"See, Krystal?" My brain asks - apparently not knowing that it, too, is a part of the entity known as 'Krystal'. Dumb, dumb brain. "You DID something! You tackled the problem! YOU DID ALL THE THINGS!" When, in actuality, I just laid out all the steps that I already had a handle on in my head, and brought them into stark relief to glare up at me from the paper.

The secondary habit that I want/need to address is a known contributor to my state of mind: Poor Health Habits

Do you know how many pins are in my Healthy Making Stuff-ery board on Pinterest?  Hm? There are six pins, I'll have you know, and they consist of exercises you can do to to slim your inner thighs, tighten your tummy, tone your ass, have smart cardio intervals, and even a workout designed for a curvy body type. Out of those, how many do you think I've put to use in the last ever?
Zero?
... you're a genius.

Oh, sure... I've made some fairly good strides lately. Gone are the whole milk caramel macchiatos, replaced with nonfat or soy. Gone are the bowls of instant mashed potatoes for lunch, replaced by something that actually contains high amounts of protein and low amounts of fat. We are now having healthy, homemade smoothies for breakfast every morning. I am buying the low-fat/low-sodium version of just about everything. Hell, I have even flipped off Top Pot Doughnuts when I walk past them in the morning/evening.

None of these things will make any difference, flip-offs aside, without some good old-fashioned exercise. Yaaaaaay. When to fit that in?

Here's my weekday schedule:
5:00 a.m. - Wake Up And Not Kill The Husband And Children
5:00 - 6:00 a.m. - Get dressed, make lunches, make smoothies, gather the day's accoutrements 
6:00 - 6:35 a.m. - Take Steve to work, and kids to daycare
**7:10 - 7:45 a.m. (ish) - Carpool to work with my Mother-in-Law**
8:00 - 12:30 p.m. - Work
12:30 - 1:30 p.m. - Lunch
1:30 - 5:00 p.m. - Work (unless there's an evening meeting, then it's 8:30/9:30 p.m.)
**5:00 - 5:50 p.m. (ish) - Carpool home with my Mother-in-Law**
5:50 - 6:50 p.m. - Play with kids
6:50 - 7:50 p.m. - Make dinner
7:50 - 8:20 p.m. - Eat, clean up after dinner, make Rex's night time bottle
8:20 - 9:00 p.m. - Snuggle Bruce to sleep (Steve has Rex)
**9:00 - 10/11:00 p.m. - Time with Steve, my first/only break in the day, time to write...**
10/11:00 p.m. - Sleep...
** = Will be changing in tasks/actions starting May 7th, when school starts**

I'm sure there are ways I can tweak my schedule to allow for exercising. I know there is a lot that I can do at my desk (see Healthy Making Stuff-ery). I'm just having trouble getting past that all-consuming fear of failure, inadequacy and laziness. It's amazing the ways that Life can really push your buttons.