Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Hard shell cracking

I'm having trouble gaining traction on this particular post. I don't know if it's this shitstorm of a week or this morning in particular, but every step feels like a battle. Every keystroke a mental tug-o-war with my Desire to Break Through This Funk on one side and Some Unknown Issue on the other. Who will win? I guess we'll see if once I get this entry posted.
When I was a kid, I used to take two M&Ms and pinch them together with the goal of guessing which one would crack first. The process was usually a long one, as I was cautious in how quickly I applied pressure, not wanting to go too hard too fast and run the risk of sending them flying... but, every once in a while, I would inevitably choose one or two candies that had weaker shells more susceptible to frissure and cracking under my deliberate pressure.
I think I'm cracking.
Instead of my pudgy, sticky fingers applying pressure, its a series of life events, circumstances, obligations, responsibilities, relationships and conditions... most of which are of my own doing.
In true Krystal fashion, I have piled more on my plate than any sane person would think to - or, so I've been told.
Personally? If I don't have multiple plates spinning, brightly colored balls flying or blinking deadline reminders parading across my screen I start to sink into a depression so intense that the only thing I can manage to accomplish is polishing off a package of Double Stuff'd Oreos in front of 'The Notebook' and then brutally poking my fat rolls while wailing and weeping and gnashing my teeth. It's not a good look for me.
Unfortunately, something seems to be different this time. Maybe I have more on my plate than I have ever had before? Maybe my advancing age is rendering my brain incapable of fragmented thought? Maybe I have taken on too many important tasks at one time and not scheduled enough time for ME?
... and that's it. THAT'S the ticket.
... but when do I have the time?
Because I work better with lists...
  1. Wife - full time with evenings, weekends, etc.
  2. Mother - full time x2 with evenings, weekends, etc.
  3. Worker - full time with evenings and increased responsibility
  4. Student - half-time with evenings and weekends for the next 5 years
  5. Author - _____-time with as much time as I can allot
  6. Family Member - full time with evenings, weekends, etc.
  7. Girlfriend - full time with evenings, weekends, etc.
I think this explains the amount, don't you?
I think this also explains the reason why I am struggling to find time away... time to just be by myself.
I think this explains why I'm cracking.

The tug-o-war continues, but at least I've been able to think about why... and maybe, just maybe, can start formulating what a good bonding agent would look like before these cracks get any deeper.

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